‘Jokes’

June 5th, 2010

The Forbidden Fruit

by Grae

I am an avid reader of “Clients from Hell” as I can associate with the odd post … anyway I read this one and found it funny .. I am not a Mac fan and I am a Christian .. but I think this guy might be taking it a bit to far ….

Client: Hey, just one final question before I send the deposit. Do you use a PC or a MAC?

Me: I use a MAC.

Client: That is a problem. Do you have access to a PC? I am not a supporter of Apple products.

Me: No, I don’t have access to a PC, but this will have little to no effect on the work itself.

Client: I am a Christian and Apple products are sinful, I do not want our website to be created by a product made by this corrupt group. You need only look at their logo, an apple with a bite taken from it. Do you not know the story of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden? If I allowed you to create my website on a MAC I would be just like Adam, taking a bite of the forbidden fruit.

[Silence]

“Take my advise, destroy your mac and repent for when judgement day comes. It shall be you who is cast to hell for your sins.”

Me: [Block Contact]

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June 1st, 2010

Irish Diet

by Grae

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

‘I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!

‘Why, that’s amazing!’ the doctor said, ‘Did you follow my instructions?’

The Irishman nodded…’I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t’aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.’

‘From the hunger, you mean?’ asked the doctor.

‘No, from the bloody skippin’

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May 28th, 2010

Government Logic

by Grae

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken wall at 10 Downing Street; one from London, another from Bristol and the third, Liverpool.

They go with a government official to examine the fence.

The London contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
‘Well’, he says, ‘I figure the job will run about £900: £400 for materials, £400 for my crew and £100 profit for me.’

The Bristol contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says, ‘I can do this job for £700: £300 for materials, £300 for my crew and £100 profit for me.’

The Liverpool contractor doesn’t measure or figure but leans over to the Government official and whispers, “£2,700.”

The official, incredulous, says, ‘You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?’

The Liverpool contractor whispers back, ‘£1000 for me, £1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Bristol to fix the wall.’

‘Done!’ replies the government official.

And that friends, …… is how it all works.

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October 20th, 2009

Ballmer Peak

by Grae

ballmer_peak

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October 12th, 2009

The Perfect Husband

by Grae

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: ‘Hello’

WOMAN: ‘Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?’

MAN: ‘Yes’

WOMAN: ‘I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?’

MAN: ‘Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.’

WOMAN: ‘I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new Models. I saw one I really liked.’

MAN: ‘How much?’

WOMAN: ‘ £ 90,000′

MAN: ‘OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.’

WOMAN: ‘Great! Oh, and one more thing…the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking £ 950,000′

MAN: ‘Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £ 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it’s really a pretty good price.’

WOMAN: ‘OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!’

MAN: ‘Bye! I love you, too.’

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks: ‘Anyone know who this phone belongs to?’

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